Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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