My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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