Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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