Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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