i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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