No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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