if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
