I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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