When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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