I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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