kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
