Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
