oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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