i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
