someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
