she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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