There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
