there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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