The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
