mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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