i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
