Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
