Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
