3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
