Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
