You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
