Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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