So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
