Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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