The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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