i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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