My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
