Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
