He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
