Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
