I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
