That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
whose parrot is this?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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