i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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