I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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