So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
