SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
