why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
