and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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