I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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