Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
