Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How does one acquire holy water?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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