what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
