Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
