Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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