um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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