You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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