Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
